A Social [Media] Commentary

Not to get all nostalgic, but sometimes I wish we could harken back to the PFB era (that's Pre-Facebook).  I'd say, "those were simpler times", but they really weren't.
Facebook has robbed us of one of the most joyful and complex aspects of the human condition: face to face interaction.  Now, you naysayers can say "nay, Facebook facilitates interaction by bringing people together - in fact, I found my pre-school crush on the book the other day and now we chat all the time and one day we are going to get coffee," and then, "we got engaged - and I posted a photo of the ring on my profile," and then "I used a Facebook invite to throw my engagement party" (cheapskate - spring for printed invites), and the-en "I uploaded all of my wedding photos into 17 different albums so my single friends can look at the pictures and get increasingly depressed about the fact that they're all going to die alone while I ride off into the sunset with my pre-school crush... who I met ON FACEBOOK."  We get it, ok?  Without Zuck, love can't happen in the 21st Century.

I know that I shouldn't fight technology.  Rather, I should embrace it (you are, in fact, currently reading my BLOG, derived from the words Web Log, which I advertise on Facebook), and I am grateful to social media for quite a bit, but it's a reluctant gratitude.  Here's why:
1. Because it's not SUPPOSED to be easy. Life and love and relationships are hard.  They're the reason why some people kill themselves.  Remember in 3rd grade, when you had those stupid Valentine's Day mailboxes and you could send people cards without fear of rejection?  Yeah, Facebook is kind of like that.  Click a button to "Add as Friend".  Wait for the person to accept your "Friendship".  Fire off a carefully crafted to sound as though you don't give a shit message inviting your new friend to grab a drink sometime - be sure to include a "How do you know Harold Greenfield?" (you don't even know Harold Greenfield, but you are Facebook friends with him, so it's fair game).  If he never answers, it doesn't hurt - you tried, right?  Wrong. You didn't try.  You didn't weigh the embarrassment and extra visits to your therapist if he said no IN PERSON, or OVER THE PHONE (remember phone conversations?  None of my friends do.  Actually, 2 of them IN THE SAME DAY asked me "Why do you call people instead of texting?") if he said no versus the sheer elation you would feel if he gave you a real, genuine YES.  I understand that self-protection is paramount when it comes to our fragile human egos.  But I also believe that without ever having to experience thesting of rejection, the sheer elation of acceptance just doesn't have the same shiny-new-penny-ness to it.

2. Because people don't care [about you].  If they did, they would ask.  But Facebook never gives them the chance to ask about your dinner (you posted pics of it, as you do with your Lean Cuisine every night), what music you've been listening to/books you've been reading (those lists are easily accessible on your profile), or who you voted for in the Alderman election (duh.. you already answered a Question with your chosen candidate).  Remember when you were going away to college and your mother warned you that no one would buy the cow if you were giving away the milk for free?  Facebook is not a Wisconsin Dairy Farm, people. Lock it up.
Oh, and by the way, to all you newly single/have a new crush that you want to notice you users out there:  your ex/new crush doesn't NEED to know or WANT to know what you are doing/where you are/who you're with every goddamn nanosecond.  If he likes you, he'll like you.  If you feel the need to remind cyberspace how popular, well-liked, and generally fabulous you are (or when you just got a bikini wax), he won't like you.  So next time your fingers are itching to write "Riding around in R. Kelly's limo while he pees on my best friend and I as we drink Cristal" as your status so that your ex will be jealous of how amazing your life is after him, do yourself a favor and refrain.

3. Because chatting 24/7 isn't natural. If you say EVERYTHING to EVERYONE all the time, it cheapens your statements that actually carry weight and meaning.  Just saying.

4. Because 2 hours is not a long time [to go without human contact].  I long for a return to the days when it didn't matter if I didn't talk to someone for a couple of days, weeks, months.  When I had time to wonder what someone was doing, if he was thinking about me and going to show up unannounced at my apartment with some fun activity, or if his head was sandwiched between a coworker's thighs in the coat room at work, fucking bastard... I digress. The point is,  constant communication shouldn't be the norm. The expectation of instant gratification has made us all into whiners.  And wimps. With no willpower.  Who can't entertain ourselves without a MacBook Pro and some internet bandwidth.  I can't do it; I don't remember how to enjoy my own company.  Unless I'm updating my profile, "Liking" various pages (John Cullerton Bringing You Sandwiches shout-out), and waiting for someone, anyone, to sign on and talk to me.

5. Because humans should be tactile beings.  I'll never get a Kindle - there's something so rewarding about turning a page in a real-life book. It used to be a treat to get together with your pals, to talk to them, to hold their photo albums in your hand, to pass notes in class.  What better feelings are there than a first kiss, two hands intertwined, getting your cranium pounded against a headboard?  I challenge you to find a virtual alternative. And no, Skype-fucking is NEVER a legitimate substitute for the real thing. Ever.

6. Because having 1200 "friends" isn't normal. Friendships are SPECIAL and UNIQUE!  And as much of a rush that you got when EVERYONE in your class signed your yearbook, does "Have a nice summer!"  REALLY ever compare to a 1/2 page note from your best friend filled with inside jokes and memories? 

7. Because you're SUPPOSED to miss out on some stuff (and so are other people).  If you do EVERYTHING, see EVERYTHING, know EVERYONE, etc, life loses its allure, its panache, its je ne sais quois.

By the way, this is coming from someone who is currently logged into 2 chat programs and has a stream-of-consciousness blog. 

Give Me Your Friends Or I'll Shoot

I have never really wanted to pick my friends' noses.  I sometimes enjoy picking my own, though.  One thing I do, often to my detriment, for my friends, is introduce them to my other friends.   You all know me as self-deprecating, but even I have to admit that I have a lot of friends and acquaintances.  This is not by accident.  I appreciate all of the friendships I have.  I work hard to maintain my relationships with other people, and I value my friends immensely.  Which is why it really fucking pisses me off when I introduce friends of mine to other friends and they think it's OK and ACCEPTABLE to just hijack my friends and treat them as their own.  They aren't your friends, ok?  They're MY friends that I was kind enough to let you meet.  Perhaps that sounds harsh, even scary, but think about it:
You introduce friend A to group B of your friends.  She immediately fucks 2 of them and then starts calling them ALL to make plans without your knowledge, even going so far as to lie about it and hide it from you.  How the hell would you feel?

My friends are my Kool-Ade. So get the fuck off my Kool-Ade.