Party Down

We've all either attended or hosted our share of less-than-stellar soirees, and they've all sucked in their own unique and special ways.  The trick is knowing your guests (read: inviting your new boyfriend and his buddies over to play Rummikub and drink wine coolers with your grandma's knitting circle will not make for a Page-Six-worthy event; it will make him dump you, publicly, and mock you relentlessly in a Facebook note).  Here, some tips on convincing people that you are more popular, cooler, and better-liked than you really are (at least when it comes to throwing a party).

1.  Calling it a "get-together" eases the embarrassment of having no one show up except your best friend and 16 year old brother with 3 members of his posse, who are in fact only there because their fake IDs didn't work at Irish Eyes earlier.

2.  Serving too much complicated food will give your guests the impression that you thought a lot more of them would be coming.  Nothing screams "obscure loser who put way too much time and effort into a sparsely attended event" than a tableful of congealing artichoke dip and limp endive cups with crab salad (does anyone remember Martha Plimpton's failed NYE bash in 200 Cigarettes, or am I the only person who ever saw that movie?).  If you must serve food at all, stick to cheap, easy staples like chips & salsa; perhaps, if you're feeling very generous, some bagel dogs.  You won't feel as guilty when you end up throwing it all away at the end of the night.

3.  Always provide your guests with a nice, quiet, secluded place, outfitted with plenty of flat, even surfaces, to pack their noses with cocaine.  They'll appreciate your hospitality even more.

4. Dress appropriately, as in, the same as your guests.  It is uncool to wear a giant party dress and get your hair done unless the party theme is "80s Prom" or something lame like that.

5. Speaking of getting your hair done, perhaps invest in a bikini wax.  You'll never have this many guys in close proximity to your bed ever again, so be prepared.

6. On the subject of theme parties, anything too obscure or highbrow will deter less intelligent (and therefore better looking and more popular) guests from attending.  Be seasonally appropriate (an "Anything But Clothes" party in February will not inspire guests to get decked out; stick to elementary (read: recycled from college frat parties) themes.  Chances are that not too many people have an appropriate costume for an "Industrial Revolution" party laying around.

7. Quarters is a fun party game that gets people drunk quickly.  Parcheesi is not.

8. Demanding money from your guests will quickly alienate them and give you the appearance of a Scrooge-like miser.  Donation bowls are less invasive.

9.  If your apartment has a super-cool chalkboard wall in the kitchen, let your guests embrace their creative sides by providing chalk.  Remember to erase the 5,000 drawings of stick figures fornicating before your landlord/parents drop in the following week.

10.  Try to relax without getting sloppy, falling down drunk and forcing your guests to hold your hair back while you spew jungle juice into your kitchen sink.  Xanax is much more effective.

11.  Do your best to maintain a fairly even guy:girl ratio. 

12.  Don't invite ugly people. Ew.

13.  Invite me.  I'm suuuuper fun.