Basketball Diaries

You can get a Triple Double in real life, too! Here's how:

1. Points:  The amount of times you score.  Does this mean sexual partners, meaningful relationships, dates, etc? Whatever constitutes a field goal for you, think about the following:
  -What's your percentage of completion?  How many times do you try to score and actually make it?  Are you shooting wildly, blindly, and just hoping it goes in or are you making a few calculated and usually successful attempts?  Be like Mike.  Think before you shoot.
  - What is your degree of difficulty? Are these 3-point shots, lay-ups, dunks, or undefended free throws?  The analogy speaks for itself here and shouldn't require any further explanation, but for all you dolts out there, think of it this way:  would you rather have a meaningless one night stand with the stand-in from Eric Stoltz's acclaimed film Mask or a few fun dates with the Josh Duhamel look-alike from the bowling alley?  I leave it to you.

2. Rebounds:  We take a quick departure from the more literal "Points" section above to tackle the tricky issue of the rebound.  A rebound is what/who you do after the end of a relationship.  Less of an actual skill in the game of life and love, rebounding is more like an arcade pinball game than the calculated sport of basketball, although it's usually marked by some pretty aggressive behavior in the paint - people on the rebound are definitely out for the win.  We've all been there: feeling rejected and scorned, we're thrown off the bench and into a tough matchup with an impressive and completely foreign opponent: singledom.  We barely know the rules, let alone possess the skills needed to come out victorious.  If you're anything like me, there are going to be a few errors before your efforts will be rewarded with some points.  You may commit a few minor technical fouls, such as over-texting or drunk dialing; you may even rack up some more serious personal fouls (sleeping with this new prospect too soon, divulging too much info about your failed relationship, or projecting a massive future onto this relative stranger and scaring him or her into total oblivion), but fear not.  Reacquaint yourself with the rules, and always remember to practice, practice, practice. Surround yourself with a patient coaching staff and supportive teammates. You'll be a pro in no time (fingers crossed).

3. Assists: Are you more Steve Nash or Lebron James?  As in, are you a team player?  How effective of a wingman/woman are you?  Life isn't all about the breakaway dunks; sometimes there's as much pleasure to be had getting your point guard some glory.  And remember this: if you help out your teammates, they'll feel more compelled to return the favor and get you to the basket.

This may not even come close to the "One Inch" speech in Any Given Sunday (I know, that's football, not basketball, but it's my favorite sports movie lockerroom scene), but I hope I've inspired some of you to suit up and get in the game.