Things To Do When You're Single on Valentine's Day*

I've got a lot of experience with this one.  Here are some of my favorite V-Day pastimes:

10. Make homemade Valentine's for your exes' new significant others with graphic sexual descriptions of your past rendezvous.

9. Secure restaurant reservations for 2 at as many romantic restaurants as you can think of.  Don't show up to any of them.

8. Pick up a decent-looking guy/girl at your local watering hole.  Invite him/her back to your place, which will be decorated with candles, rose petals, champagne, and a sensual bubble bath.  Say, "I know we're going to remember this Valentine's Day celebration for the rest of our lives together."  Watch the ensuing retreat.

7. Get embarrassingly drunk on red wine, watch Love Actually alone, and sob uncontrollably.

6. Booty call your opposite-sex best friend and have awkward sex. Never speak of it again.

5. Masturbate until you lose feeling in your sexual organs and have to wear an anti-arthritic wrist guard.

4. Plan a "single gals [or guys] night out" and pretend like you are enjoying yourself.

3. A little friendly advice: EVERYTHING is more fun with copious amounts of drugs.

2. Parade around outside of Tiffany & Co./Victoria's Secret/your local florist with a large sign that says "Cupid is Dead" and an accompanying photo of a late-term aborted fetus.

1. Go to work, walk your dog, and pretend like it is any other day.

*use your heads people.  I would never actually endorse this kind of behavior.