Once upon a time, in a land called Now, there lived a smart, pretty, interesting, intelligent girl with decent taste in music who only occasionally watched Gossip Girl and even then it was only with friends and she had been to the B96 Summer Bash once but it was back in high school and her name was Pick a Single Girl You Know. Pick a Single Girl You Know was excited because yesterday at the gym (she worked out at least 3 times a week), she had been approached by a boy named Michigan State Basketball Shorts Guy with whom she had been making somewhat flirty eye contact for about 2 weeks and he asked for her number and actually called, not texted, earlier today and they were going out tonight for "drinks and apps" and it was a Thursday night so if Pick a Single Girl You Know wasn't feeling it, work was an easy excuse and she put on her great-butt jeans and her favorite black top and a pair of flat-but-still-cute sandals and the requisite amount of "I'm not really wearing any makeup because I'm super low maintenance" makeup and headed out the door to meet Michigan State Basketball Shorts Guy at a semi-trendy lounge-y bar/restaurant with a nice patio, interesting beer list, and at least 3 small-plates menu items containing various cuts of pork (pork is in right now).
She texted Michigan State Basketball Shorts Guy when she was walking up to the bar/restaurant and he had already put their names on the list for a table on the immensely packed and generally "jumpin'" patio so they headed to the bar to have a beer (his: Ommegang Abbey; hers: Three Floyds' Gumballhead) and wait for his name to be called by the hostess, and Pick a Single Girl You Know noticed how he didn't even check out the attractive hostess or chat too long about the beer list with the semi-attractive bartender and how many questions he asked her about herself and how he leaned in and squeezed her knee when he said,
"It's so awesome to finally be out with you; I've been trying to gather up the courage to ask you out for weeks but I was scared you would say no and did I mention you look really pretty tonight?"
and he said it in such an endearing way that she let his hand rest on her knee and they were talking and laughing and barely noticed when the hostess called his name for the 2nd time, and his hand was nestled protectively in the small of her back as he guided her through the throng to their table and he pulled out her chair and then they were deciding what to order and he commented that he loved girls who liked to eat and they should definitely get 2 orders of the bacon-wrapped whatever.
It was even more of a perfect date when Michigan State Basketball Shorts Guy started talking about summer plans and said things like,
"My buddy Michigan State Baseball Cap has a boat - we always take it to Michigan City for Memorial Day Weekend and stay at his place and you should totally come,"
and then,
"You're definitely playing on our beach volleyball team,"
and even,
"We should go fishing sometime. I can't believe you've never been fishing. But don't worry; I'm an excellent teacher,"
and Pick a Single Girl You Know floated away on a cloud of future plans and "we" and then Michigan State Basketball Shorts Guy was walking her home and holding her hand and offering her his zip-up hoodie and planting one incredibly perfect kiss on her upturned lips and by the time she got in her door and changed into pajamas he had already friended her on Facebook and sent her 2 text messages (actually just 1 long one) and it said,
"I had a really awesome time tonight and I'm so glad I asked you out and that you said yes and I really like you. We'll def hang this weekend - how about a movie on Saturday afternoon and then we can meet up with my friends after the Cubs game? Let me know. Goodnight!"
And they DID hang out that weekend and his friends were really cool and pulled her aside and said that Michigan State Basketball Shorts Guy really liked her and they were happy for him and she slept at his apartment but they just made out and cuddled and then he took her to brunch on Sunday morning and gazed at her lovingly over mimosas and blueberry ricotta pancakes and he wrote some not unfunny inside joke from the weekend on her Facebook wall so that the whole world would know that he liked her.
Then nothing for three days. Pick a Single Girl You Know wondered what she had done wrong. She wondered if she had played it cool enough, she lamented to her friends, she went over every single instant of their time together in agonizing detail, she looked in the mirror and declared herself fat.
Pick a Single Girl You Know texted Michigan State Basketball Shorts Guy,
"Hey what are you up to tonight?"
that Thursday at precisely 6:19, after deciding with her friends that 6:00 on the dot would look too obvious, and that Thursday was better than Friday, and that Saturday would be too late, and her horoscope for the day was a 7 so she was optimistic until he waffled on his response, saying,
"Staying in. Let's catch up this weekend,"
and Pick a Single Girl You Know hoped he meant it, because, after all, who makes such long-term plans and is so up-front about how they are feeling if they don't mean it, and Pick a Single Girl You Know never heard from him again. They are still friends on Facebook. He is still listed as "Single".
Boys who cry "Like" cheapen every word and every action of every boy that comes after them.
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