I Give Up!

Like the title character in Life of Pi, I too enjoy a little religious dabbling every now and then. Faith is a fascinating concept; the proverbial jump into the abyss, the unknowingness of it all, the idea of a higher power that guides us all; it's central to the human condition. Arguably, Faith is what sets us apart from any other animal; are lions, tigers, or bears capable of grasping such intangible concepts? Perhaps I'm waxing a little too philosophic. Time to get down to the nitty-gritty.

Lent's traditional purpose, as described by Wikipedia, is to prepare "the believer for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ."

As Lent is a period in which piety is revered, many Christians give up a vice of theirs as a means of fasting, or add something which will bring them closer to God, usually some charitable form of almsgiving. Although I am Jewish, and damn proud of it, I pay my respects to Lent by participating in this custom.

This year I have opted to give up junk food. Pretty standard, run of the mill Lenten sacrifice, but the significance of giving up something of self-administered value is not lost on me. In my humble opinion, one of the core tenets of Christianity is the emphasis of eschewing earthly delights and temptations as a vehicle for reaching a more Christlike societal position. I disagree with this stance, hence why I am not a Christian. Although I respect Jesus for what he gave up, I do not feel that instilling the ideas of guilt and original sin is the most effective way to garner Faith (note my capitalization of Faith).

Therefore, loyal readers, I encourage you this Lenten season to instead find your Faith and your godliness by practicing more on the almsgiving side of penance. Pay it forward the best way you know how; whether you try to do a good deed for a stranger every day (be it something as small as giving up your seat on the bus), volunteer at a soup kitchen, make an anonymous donation to a worthy cause - shout out to the Polar Plungers - I salute you; basically, do something nice. I volunteer weekly at Common Threads, and although one might posture that the joy and self-satisfaction I feel MAY negate the selflessness of my actions, I am unquestionably doing a charitable act, therefore exercising my right to Faith.

Happy Lenting!

S.S. Ineptitude

The waves thrashed around the Kanan cruise ship, pelting the stern with water in an even staccato. The sky was ominously green, the water dark and inky.

A shivering circle of terrified CUI employees huddled together on the Lido deck and waited for the lifeboats to be lowered, the call for "Women and Children" that they knew would be coming.

Instead, a unmistakable German? voice crackled to life on the loudspeaker above, and, like the piercing, lisping whine of an Off Eddy power ballad, announced: "CUI senior staff, Chef Concierges, and Jason Whitcomb first. Coloreds, Jews, and employees under the age of 35 will remain aboard until EVERYONE else has been loaded into the lifeboats - and please surrender your life jackets to upper management."

COO Mr. [Michael] Ehlert darted to and fro with a feather duster, polishing ashtrays and delegating tasks to no one in particular. "Please do advise should you need any assistance surrendering your life vest to senior staff. Please do fax the Kanan Cruise ship terms and conditions and hold harmless agreements to HQ and CC bookkeeping."

IT guy Mr. [Derrick] Kyles fiddled with the ship's controls in a last-ditch effort to save the pitching ship. He quickly confiscated a non-CUI blackberry whose browser was open to gmail - an employee composing a last-minute will to her family and friends: "Fear not; I am going to a better place, for the burning depths of hell would be a welcome respite from the slings and arrows of Concierge Unlimited. Please give Megan my slutty skirts and non-neutral colored tights - I'm sure there's a stringent dress code in hell."

HR Director Mr. [Matthew] Tafoya was waiting in the wings with a final FINAL Communication to File.

This communication is the final final warning for Emily Levant, who was seen using a non-CUI approved personal mobile device at a Concierge Event, from which she was previously banned, to warn her immediate family and friends of her imminent death.

This communication marks the subsequent immediate termination from Concierge Unlimited International (hereinafter CUI). Because she illegally attended said event, a private CUI-only dinner cruise aboard a Kanan Cruise Ship, CUI assumes no responsibility for the violent and untimely death of this dirty, sneaky little Jewess.

Acknowledged by:

"I'm absolutely not signing this bullshit. Fire me if you must."

CUI Receptionist/Office Manager/CSR Float/Jane of All Trades Leah Urbom came forth, having Researched, located, and procured a harpoon from the ship's hold. Like a seasoned pro, she Coordinated and Secured her target squarely in the crosshairs, a bobbing blonde-gray head being fanned furiously by a palm leaf by COO Mr. [Michael] Ehlert, and before the heaving sea {lake?} overtook the Kanan cruise ship in one final gurgling gulp, CUI Receptionist/Office Manager/CSR Float/Jane of All Trades Leah Urbom released the trigger on the crossbow, nearly decapitating her prey.

". . . from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee." (ASIDE: What's it from)

A few hours later, all that remained of the doomed CUI/Kanan cruise ship was an opalescent film of oil spread over the placid waters. It was like neither had ever existed. The sun shone brightly over the city, and all was at peace once again.

This is dedicated to the brave men and women who sacrificed their own lives to save the world from the fate of Olga S. Pierce and her sinister band of inept minions.