Etiquette by Emily Post Break-Up

alternately titled: Don't Leave Me This Way

Having been recently dumped (again), I am feeling compelled to share some tips I learned over the course of my first break-up. Also, now that it has been over one and a half years, I am (surprisingly) feeling "over" it enough to finally talk. So here goes.

1. Don't fake a pregnancy. This should go without saying, but you will only establish yourself as a psychotic liar.
2. Give yourself time to grieve. The cute guy who checks out your ass at the bar your brave girlfriends drag you to (making them regret your assent to their obligatory "It'll be good for you to get out of the house" while watching you ask the bartender for the 12th time "How much for just the whole bottle of Jameson?") was not imagining that the flirty smile you gave him meant you wanted to sob hysterically - big, black-mascara alligator tears - on his *favorite T-shirt-clad* shoulder "You're nice, Brian. Not like that asshole who dumped me. I'm pretty, right?! Right?!"
3. Your friends aren't always right. Speaking of well-meaning-but-misguided friends, ignore remarks like these:
"Don't you think a sauvignon blanc-only diet is a little unhealthy?"
"You need to eat something."
No. You. Don't. How else will you meet someone new unless you drop the 9 lbs. you gained
while you were happy?

4. Don't sleep with your new ex's best friend to "make him notice you" or "hurt him like he hurt you." See #1 for explanation. (Also, in all seriousness, as I really did do something like this after my first real break-up: You, whoever you are - although I'm pretty sure all 3 od my readers are headed for the altar instead of a J-Date.com membership - are better than using sex as a weapon; unless, of course, you're the title character of the movie "Teeth": in that case, your fanged vagina is a weapon.

5. "Grand Gestures" don't work on guys in the same way they do on girls. Can you really picture your ex having Mary Stuart Masterson's reaction in "Bed of Roses" when Christian Slater fills her apartment with expensive flowers. (Hint: if your answer is yes, you got dumped for another guy. Maybe Christian Slater is still the whoriest flori[e]st around.)

a. Don't waste your time OR your money. He didn't on you.

b. Straight. To. The. Asylum. With. You. (In his mind - in your mind, you were just "showing him how much you care".)

6. Ok. Time for some real tips:

a. Remember yourself? No? Didn't think so. I didn't, either. But I got reacquainted with how fabulous I can be when I'm single. You should, too.

b. See a Friday-night movie all alone. You can do it.

c. Lean on your friends because you would let them lean on you. Lean on your family because they have to be there for you.

d. Do the things he would never do with you. Did you always yearn to leave the house but were stuck in a relationship with an agoraphobic? Now's your chance to get out there. The world is your oyster, baby.

e. Don't screw the first guy who pays attention to you. Yeah, you got rejected. Yeah. It sucks. But waking up in Quasimodo's bed naked while he glances "meaningfully" from his morning wood to your delicate lady parts won't make you feel any better.

f. Finally, remember how awful you felt after your first break-up? And how amazing you felt when you met someone new? You didn't die at first like you thought you would, did you? And, trust me, you won't this time.

Besides, if you really are knocked up, he HAS to take you back... Just sayin'.