S.S. Ineptitude

The waves thrashed around the Kanan cruise ship, pelting the stern with water in an even staccato. The sky was ominously green, the water dark and inky.

A shivering circle of terrified CUI employees huddled together on the Lido deck and waited for the lifeboats to be lowered, the call for "Women and Children" that they knew would be coming.

Instead, a unmistakable German? voice crackled to life on the loudspeaker above, and, like the piercing, lisping whine of an Off Eddy power ballad, announced: "CUI senior staff, Chef Concierges, and Jason Whitcomb first. Coloreds, Jews, and employees under the age of 35 will remain aboard until EVERYONE else has been loaded into the lifeboats - and please surrender your life jackets to upper management."

COO Mr. [Michael] Ehlert darted to and fro with a feather duster, polishing ashtrays and delegating tasks to no one in particular. "Please do advise should you need any assistance surrendering your life vest to senior staff. Please do fax the Kanan Cruise ship terms and conditions and hold harmless agreements to HQ and CC bookkeeping."

IT guy Mr. [Derrick] Kyles fiddled with the ship's controls in a last-ditch effort to save the pitching ship. He quickly confiscated a non-CUI blackberry whose browser was open to gmail - an employee composing a last-minute will to her family and friends: "Fear not; I am going to a better place, for the burning depths of hell would be a welcome respite from the slings and arrows of Concierge Unlimited. Please give Megan my slutty skirts and non-neutral colored tights - I'm sure there's a stringent dress code in hell."

HR Director Mr. [Matthew] Tafoya was waiting in the wings with a final FINAL Communication to File.

This communication is the final final warning for Emily Levant, who was seen using a non-CUI approved personal mobile device at a Concierge Event, from which she was previously banned, to warn her immediate family and friends of her imminent death.

This communication marks the subsequent immediate termination from Concierge Unlimited International (hereinafter CUI). Because she illegally attended said event, a private CUI-only dinner cruise aboard a Kanan Cruise Ship, CUI assumes no responsibility for the violent and untimely death of this dirty, sneaky little Jewess.

Acknowledged by:

"I'm absolutely not signing this bullshit. Fire me if you must."

CUI Receptionist/Office Manager/CSR Float/Jane of All Trades Leah Urbom came forth, having Researched, located, and procured a harpoon from the ship's hold. Like a seasoned pro, she Coordinated and Secured her target squarely in the crosshairs, a bobbing blonde-gray head being fanned furiously by a palm leaf by COO Mr. [Michael] Ehlert, and before the heaving sea {lake?} overtook the Kanan cruise ship in one final gurgling gulp, CUI Receptionist/Office Manager/CSR Float/Jane of All Trades Leah Urbom released the trigger on the crossbow, nearly decapitating her prey.

". . . from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee." (ASIDE: What's it from)

A few hours later, all that remained of the doomed CUI/Kanan cruise ship was an opalescent film of oil spread over the placid waters. It was like neither had ever existed. The sun shone brightly over the city, and all was at peace once again.

This is dedicated to the brave men and women who sacrificed their own lives to save the world from the fate of Olga S. Pierce and her sinister band of inept minions.